27 May, 2023
Q Hi, I am in a haram relationship but when I discussed this with my gf to get married, she does not agree as she is young. We are in relationship about 2 years as of now. I met my gf at some dating app and during the time I wasn't so religious and do not really pray but my gf used to pray. We came in relationship. But after few months passed, we somehow still connected with sexual relationship. During our call we do it sometimes but still I do believe that my gf is more religious as she prays every day, but due to her high sexual drive she can't control. Nowadays when pray I feel so guilty that I am in a haram relationship and it makes me feel afraid what will happen if Allah take my soul now as I don't have good deeds or prepare for it. Another issue is my gf young 22 whereby I am 26. I don't mind to marry and make it halal but she is not ready for it. Whenever I think about it, it makes me feel crazy and guilty what I am doing now. Idk how to overcome, please please please help me out. If there is point to breakup I think I can take the step but I worry will it sinful If I don't marry her. I am so confused. And afraid of this. Please help me out.
In this counseling post:
- What makes you not proceed with marriage? Both of you have to understand that it is much safer for you if you have a halal way to experience a relationship than to wait and commit a major sin repeatedly instead.
- Nikah should not be an obstacle to keeping with her or your plans.
- If there is no possibility or willingness for you two to marry, then this should be the time to say goodbye, repent, and seek forgiveness for your wrongdoing.
Thank you for sharing your struggle.
It is understandable that you are feeling sinful, confused, and guilty as you are in a haram relationship with a girl and you are not married to each other.
It seems that you know that what you do is wrong, but you have a hard time resisting your desires and feelings for her.
Actually, you are not that young; at your age, you can be ready for marriage, and it is very normal that you have healthy sexual desires as a grown adult. So does your girlfriend.
So, the question is, what makes you not proceed with marriage? You say that she is not ready for that, but it would be good to know why.
She has to understand that it is much safer for her if she has a halal way to experience a relationship than to wait and commit a major sin repeatedly instead.
What are her reasons?
You may sit down with her and discuss this more seriously.
Actually, nikah should not be an obstacle to keeping with her or your plans, for example, to finish studies. You do not need to form a family right now, but it would be very important to continue this relationship only within the boundaries of marriage.
You do not even need to move to live together right after the nikah; you can take your time until you find the means for that.
You say that you do not mind making it halal, which is the only option to maintain this relationship, to be honest.
So, what I advise you to do is sit down and think about: Is she the right one for you? Do you think that you are compatible? Do you have the same values and goals in life?
Try to put your desires aside for a while and think about whether you can imagine life with her.
Try to be sincere with yourself, and do not overlook important issues just because you have already had an intimate relationship with her.
If yes, try to talk more about the importance of marriage and seek the means to get married.
You can learn about marriage together—take a course, for example—to get ready for that. We have a webinar soon that I kindly recommend: Premarital Prep Masterclass.
On the other hand, when there is the possibility of marrying in the future, you need to stop contacting each other until that time arrives.
If, for some reason or another, there is no possibility or willingness for you two to marry, then this should be the time to say goodbye, repent, and seek forgiveness for your wrongdoing.
You will see that you will feel better as you let go of your guilt.
Sure, you will miss each other, as you have feelings and attachment to each other, but with time, these feelings and longing will be less intense. Check out this article about how to end a haram relationship.
When this happens, think about the fact that if you give up something for the sake of Allah, He will reward you with something better.
So, I kindly encourage you to seek change in this situation, either towards marriage or towards ending this relationship entirely.
Please turn to Allah for help and strength to resist, repent, and seek his forgiveness.
May Allah help you with that.
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